


Paper flowers

by lil_1337



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-05
Updated: 2005-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 09:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_1337/pseuds/lil_1337
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wufei dreams of Meilan.  Inspired by the Evanescence song Imaginary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paper flowers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merith](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=merith).



So the dream starts, its always the same. I’m a field of flowers, but they are not real flowers. They’re paper. I know what is coming next. Its an old dream, familiar and safe even in the pain it inflicts. Someone once told me there is comfort in what you know even if that causes you pain. That is the dream. So I slide into it and wrap myself in the anguish I know it will cause.

There are paper flowers all around me, and Meilan. She’s smiling at me as she always is. Something she rarely did in life. She picks a few of the flowers and brings them to her face. Her nose wrinkles in disgust at the lack of scent. She throws them at me, berating me for stealing their beauty. It is my fault. Nothing is real because I refuse to fight for it.

My unconscious mind chooses to forget I did fight. I fought two wars and I still fight every day with the Preventers. All of that does not matter to dream Meilan. She continues to berate me, call me a coward and explain in great detail why I am not worthy. Not worthy of her, of piloting Nataku, of living.

Duo once asked me if I loved her and I had to tell him I didn’t know. That is the simple truth. I really don’t know. I respected her and I certainly felt I had a responsibility to her that I failed in. But love? I was fourteen and resented being forced into a marriage with someone I didn’t even know. I never really had a chance to get to know her, to become friends let alone move beyond that. I do know I love her memory and for a long time I clung to it. It was like a security blanket that gave me safety. It was a reason for living, an excuse to exist. She is symbol of everything I lost, everyone I let down, everything that I now must work to make right.

There was a time when I begged the gods in heaven to be free of this dream. I had honored her memory and fought her fight, didn’t I deserve a little of the peace I had taken so many lives achieve? I had my regrets to deal with every day; surely my nights should be my own?

Now, now I have some measure of happiness in my days. I have a cause, a reason to fight and to live. I have someone who loves me in all the ways Meilan never would or could. I have learned to accept that love and return it in kind. I might not always feel that I am worthy or deserving but I know I am loved regardless. I have friends, true friends, who know all the things I have done, all of who I am and yet they still accept me and call me friend as I do them.

Its dark and quiet now, like an intermission. Soon the dream will move forward and I will relive the fight, and her death. I will again hold her broken body in my arms and watch as the life slips away from her. That is how it always is. I fail and she loses her life for it. The one sin I can never be forgiven, the debt that will never be paid.

I have accepted this; it is part of the person I have become. I have my days in which to live. My nights I offer freely for her to take. To live again even if its just for a few moments in my mind. 


End file.
